hi, childhood. bye, childhood

      Alright guys, just to warn you, I’m going to get a little personal with this post and I’m a little nervous.

       Time is something I wish I could control- I’m sure most of us wish we could command time to stop or pause or rewind. But ultimately we know time keeps on running even if we don’t. Time changes things; it changes your age, your social environment, your outlook on life. As a character in Fox and The Hound says: “Forever is a long, long time, and time has a way of changing things.” I’m not a big fan of change and it’s not because I don’t like new experiences or perspectives- I do- but it’s just really hard for me to cope with big lifestyle or social changes. I have what is called a sensory processing disorder which means, in the most basic sense,I am extremely sensitive to many things in my environment such as sounds, touch, and even change. I’ll talk more about that in another post sometime.

“Forever is a long, long time, and time has a way of changing things.”

       So, I know that time only goes by faster as you get older, but I wasn’t prepared for the ever elusive future I faced as a kid, to hit me so fast; the one where I am 18, going off to college, moving away and treading water in a new, unfamiliar territory. It’s scary and exhilarating, but mostly scary. I have learned how to cope better with SPD through therapy but I’m just scared that this huge change in my life will throw me completely off-balance. It did when my family and I moved out of my childhood home- it was pretty bad. But I also try to focus on the fact that I am older and more emotionally stable than I was back then.

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        It’s certainly a nostalgic time for me, as I graduated last week and saw my wonderful teachers for the last time(well until I can come back and visit) and fellow classmates. And it’s all so strange. When you’re younger, you spend the days having fake tea parties in your mom’s clothes while fantasizing about the Great Big Future; you dance around with your friends to radio Disney while thinking, this is what life will always be like. And then the years start going by faster and faster- you turn 14, then 15, then 16, and all of a sudden you’re 18 with a car and a job and three nights left sleeping in the room you’ve slept in for years. I am already feeling homesick and I haven’t even left yet.

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       Nostalgia has hit me big time; I am nostalgic for the past, for my childhood- I have a wonderful family who gave me a wonderful childhood and allowed me so many experiences- and I’ll miss that. I’ll miss the warmth and comfort of all things familiar.  But my family and my past adventures have instilled in me the want to explore, to open myself up to possible adventures and seek independence. And so I feel a weird sense of nostalgia for memories that I haven’t made yet; I feel this want to stay where I am now but also this need to find a greater view from a greater height. Carson McCullens said it best in The Heart is a Lonely Hunter: “It is a curious emotion, this certain homesickness I have in mind. With Americans, it is a national trait, as native to us as the roller-coaster or the jukebox. It is no simple longing for the home town or country of our birth. The emotion is Janus-faced: we are torn between a nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.”

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         When I look at it that way, I find myself less anxious. It’s another chapter to a book that has been really good so far, one that I’m sure will be even better than the first. So yea, I wish I could  control time, I wish I could take the moment of me throwing my cap into the air with the 400 others and freeze it, but I can’t. And I guess it’s for the best. 18 years is only scraping the surface and I plan to dig as deep as I can.

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 Thanks for reading and If you could only skim that’s ok- I’m known to talk alot.

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