Asexuality: What it is, What it isn’t, and How One T.V Show Got it Right

Hi lovely readers! I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy during this virus craziness. Today’s post is quite personal, inspired by an episode of a Netflix show called Sex Education that I watched recently. The topic of asexuality was brought up, which blew my mind because I never see representation for the ace community in pop culture. I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time now, and seeing that episode was the final push.

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The first time I ever talked about possibly being asexual, was at a friend’s party my senior year of college. There I was, sitting on the floor with a group of strangers, drinking cheap wine from plastic cups and discussing my sexuality over the loud cheers from the nearby beer pong table (a year later and this is still a running joke with my best friend Sara, who I told when I got home from the party). Asexuality wasn’t a concept I really thought about until a month or so before this moment at the party. Throughout my college years, I became an expert at meeting someone and then running away abruptly several weeks in, no matter how great I thought the person was, no matter how much I liked him. It felt like hitting a brick wall over and over again; there was a point I’d get to every time that I couldn’t get past.

 Growing up with a sensory processing disorder (which overlaps the autism spectrum in some areas) and mental illness, I’ve had to work at connecting to people on an intimate level, emotionally and physically, and so I always assumed the constant failures in my dating life stemmed from those deep seated issues. While they definitely have an impact, I began to realize there was something more to the brick walls I’d been hitting, and it had to do with sex. Running away from potential relationships was a way to avoid progressing from simply hand holding and kissing to sexual activities that I was realizing I wasn’t very interested in. I started researching asexuality, taking a few personal assessment quizzes and reading articles, and for the first time, I felt a sense of clarity, I found something that described almost perfectly the confusion I had been feeling for a long time. Fast forward a month later and there I am at a college party, showing random people my “are you asexual?” quiz results and asking what it’s like to want sex. (The only other people I have discussed this with since then have been another good friend and my parents, so writing this post is quite the jump. )

Looking into asexuality and talking to people about it has opened my eyes to just how misunderstood the concept is, which is due in large part to the complete lack of discussion about it in society and pop culture. Most commonly, when on the rare chance its discussed, society looks at asexuality like this:

• asexual means no romantic or sensual attraction
• it’s sex aversion
• asexual people don’t have any libido
• it’s genetic/linked to a psychological or physical problem
• “you just haven’t found the right person yet”/”you just aren’t ready yet”

One of the major reasons for why I ignored the idea of being asexual when searching for answers, was because I wanted romance and I didn’t mind things like kissing or cuddling- that didn’t line up with what I heard about asexuality. But it’s a spectrum, it varies person to person. Here’s a brief overview of what it actually is like:

•  it’s not a disorder. whereas SAD (sexual aversion disorder) stems from something psychological like fear or anxiety of the act, asexuality stems from simply being uninterested.
• asexual people may not experience sexual attraction, but can still have libido- therefore they may still engage in things like kissing and masturbating.
• there are different types- for example, demisexuals do have sex but only after forming a deep emotional connection with the person, whereas aromantics aren’t interested in a romantic relationship
• there still can be a want for romance and romantic love
• nothing is abnormal about not wanting sex

Figuring out your sexuality can be messy and confusing (hell, I’m 23 and still confused), and while pop culture has made progress in becoming more inclusive, frank and open about that process, the ace community still faces an extreme lack in representation. And when they are represented, they are usually shown as embodying the first set of bullet points above. Enter Sex Education, a tremendously well written and entertaining show. I wasn’t expecting to like it, as I’m not big into sex comedy, but after watching both seasons (hurry up with the third one Netflix!), I found myself to be completely enamored with it. There is an incredible depth, sincerity and emotional core to the show, and at times it is actually educational and enlightening.

What really solidified my love for the show though, was an episode in season 2 that highlights a character named Florence, whose friends are pressuring her to have sex with popular kid Jackson, which leads her to realize she doesn’t really want to have sex in general, and thinks something is broken inside her. When she explains this to Jean, the sex therapist mom of the main character Otis, saying “it’s like I’m surrounded by a huge feast of everything I wanted to eat, but I’m not hungry,” Jean explains the concept of asexuality.  This scene was incredibly emotional to watch; it was the first time I’ve seen a popular show featured an asexual character and accurately portrayed them (besides the character in Bojack). As Jean says, “sex doesn’t make us whole,” and it’s important to remember that. I’m not going to lie and say dating isn’t a little harder or more intimidating when you aren’t interested in sexual activity, but you are by no means broken or alone; it just requires honesty and openness about who you are and what you expect.

Here are some great articles and other resources about the asexual spectrum:

What Does it Mean to be Asexual?

The Asexual Visibiltiy and Education Network

LGBTQnation-What is Asexual?

Book: The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker